Vulnerability 101

In the past, I hardly bothered about anything so much, and even now to a certain degree I don’t.

Call it the ‘I don’t care attitude’.

The problem

But when it comes to my loved ones though, well… I bother so much, it hurts. It’s one reason I try not to open myself up to anyone.

Even my bestie, if I don’t reach her within a given time, I start to worry.

Tracing the cause

Lately, I have been reading on anxiety, the causes and how it can be dealt with. I find myself getting anxious for things I never considered big enough to bother me before.

My study has taken me down into other areas such as attachment styles and the likes.

I did a little introspection and today, the article I read finally gave me a light bulb moment. It was not automatic, I have had moments of self denial, candid talks with my friend…, etc.

My discovery

Something happened to me, when my mum became sick and eventually died. I became an anxious wreck!

The likely cause

When my mum passed, I was not told immediately. So for a week I lived, not knowing my mum was gone, and not being able to reach her.

I still feel guilty for not knowing. I remember someone saying then, how didn’t you feel it? But you were very close?

A little background story here.

My mum spoke to me every single day. I mean everyday. If for some reason she couldn’t call, she will text.

So when she was very sick, especially that last week before her death, she texted me more, and I always consoled myself that she will answer when she was better, well she never did.

My dad also kept assuring me that everything was fine, even after she was gone.

I found out later that she had not been able to actually type a text before that week, but she had enlisted the help of those around, to chat me up and reply to my messages like it was her.

At this point, I was already scared anytime I called and she didn’t pick. I was constantly expecting the worse but somehow hoping for the best.

Sometimes good intentions cause more harm than good

I understand with them. By them, I mean all those who tried to keep it away from me, including my mum.

They were trying to tell me in a better way, but now it has done me more harm than good.

It’s past now, but maybe I would have been able to grief the process and deal with things better… Just maybe.

Now when people tell me everything is fine, I believe at first.

But then 2.5 seconds later, a thought pops up in my head, ‘you have heard this line before, and everything was not fine. What makes you think it is fine this time? Are you sure they are not lying to you?…’

Then I go back to being anxious.

I find myself needing constant re-assurance that everything is indeed fine, which to be fair is a huge burden for others to bear.

It is a ‘me’ problem, and a ‘me’ problem can only be dealt with by ‘me’.

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I once wrote a post about how being anxious comes from a lack of total trust in God. That is still true. You can read it HERE.

I love God, and I trust him in theory, but somehow when I get anxious about situations, I am not really trusting him with that situation.

Like doubting Thomas, I am telling him, “show me the nail prints in your hands”, before I believe.

The good thing is that God is a merciful father, so he forgives me for all my doubts.

They say the first step to solving an issue, is understanding why there is one in the first place.

So now that I have understood, I recognise the fact that I need help.

Healing
I am still on a journey to healing. When I am healed, I will be back to share.

Do you ever get anxious? How do you deal with anxious moments? What has helped you so far? I would love to hear from you. 

P. S: This writeup is not an invitation to pity me. Thank you!